Hello there.
When I wrote the words, "Become a responsible adult", I had in mind all the fun things about growing up; buying a car, a house, growing strawberries, having children. Unfortunately, this morning I've had to face a decision that's rather less enjoyable. But I think that's what being an adult is supposed to be about - making those decisions that you'd rather not make.
A very brief background of the problem. I haven't spoken to a family member for over two years. I grew up with him abusing me and it left me pretty empty and with no self-worth. I finally got the courage to cut him out of my life, but it was never going to be that easy. He knows I love my family and would never want to hurt them, so he's been emotionally blackmailing them ever since, trying to force me to make contact with him by hurting them. For what reason, I do not know. Perhaps he just likes the power.
Up until now, I've let it happen. My reasoning was that if I continued to ignore him despite his sly tricks, he would get the message that I'm not going to let him control my life anymore. This morning proved that that isn't going to happen, at least not for some time. So the question is, do I let him keep upsetting the rest of my family? Or do I face him head on?
Let's look at those options. Option one is to keep quiet, like George Bush with the terrorists. Starting a dialogue with him at this stage could say to him that I've given in. I'm also acutely aware that although I don't fear him anymore, I haven't actually had to face him. Those feelings could come flooding back the moment I see him. In addition, I'm almost 100% sure that rational conversation would fail. So option one is looking good, apart from the problem of constantly attacking my Mum (verbally, that is). Is it really fair to let her take all the crap on my behalf? My family have been very supportive through this and I initially reasoned that it was worth them going through a bit of discomfort in order for me to be happy. But I never expected it to last longer than a month or two. Perhaps it's time I acted my age and stood up for myself.
Which brings us onto option two. Face him. Practically, I'm not sure how this would work. Writing a letter won't work because last time he ripped it up and told everyone a load of lies about what I had written. So the only option is to actually face him. Unfortunately, that idea leaves me feeling rather sick. I've never managed to have a rational conversation with him. It always ends with him shouting in my face, and I'm not prepared to experience that, especially if it makes no difference to the situation. I would love to just walk up to him, tell him exactly how I feel, and walk away, but past experience has taught me that that definitely isn't going to happen. And I suspect that even if we had a discussion, the emotional blackmail would continue, because there's no way I'm having him back in my life.
In summary, I'm screwed aren't I? Say nothing, and let my Mum fight my battles, or say something and probably end up in exactly the same situation but more upset.
I guess the third option would be to just write a letter and see what happens. It doesn't require a great deal of energy emotionally and so if he rips it up, I haven't lost anything.
Any advice?
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I've never commented on your posts before but I'm a fellow TYSIC-er and have been following quietly...until now of course.
ReplyDeleteI've faced a similar situation with a friend of mine in the sense of being torn between saying nothing and saying something. She didn't exactly emotionally blackmail me but it was a huge problem in my life. I tried to confront her about it but she ended up saying silly things that meant nothing and it got nowhere. We don't speak much anymore but it's better than before.
I think perhaps before speaking face to face, it might be a good idea to try writing another letter. It might sound silly but perhaps make sure you also have a copy of it so you can back yourself up if he repeats his actions last time? If he doesn't respond to a letter, then maybe it is necessary to talk to him face to face. I doubt any of that is helpful but I hope it somehow is :)
I hope you manage to get things sorted soon, or at least so that you're OK with the situation,
Rachel
This is going to sound a bit cold, but let your mum deal with it. This guy is clearly a horror show and you putting yourself through that will not help. I'm not questioning how grown up you are, but I'm also gonna make a wild leap here and say you're probably not ready for this. If he's making life difficult for your mother...in my experience defending their young is why makes mothers suit up.
ReplyDeleteIf you do decide the time has come to face this person, do not do it alone. Have your family around you, as many of them as are willing to be there for you. Coming after you while you're vulnerable is the abuser MO. It is much harder for him to bully and terrify you in front of people who might fight back. Besides, if the group of you stand united it will probably make the emotional blackmail harder in the future since he'll be getting a clear signal that people are not on his side in this matter.
No matter what though, don't rush it. Don't do anything you're not prepared for because there's no way to face off against someone like this without it bringing up a whole world of pain.
Got a bit of experience with this, though you may have guessed that already. I appreciate that you don't really know me, but...ugh no way to say this without sounding trite, but you're not alone.
Lisa
Your reason for even contemplating seeing this person are commendable - but my gut instinct is that you shouldn't go within a 100 miles of seeing him face to face. For him it just sounds as if it's still all about exercising power over you. Bullying tactics of the worst kind by directing it against people you care about.
ReplyDeleteI'm not even sure about writing him a letter, to be honest. Why is it all on you? What is he wanting/ expecting of you? Forgiveness? Or, even worse, that you accept some kind of self-justifying shit from him that pretends he didn't really do anything wrong?
Have you talked to your mum about how worried you are about what she's having to deal with? Has she expressed any view about what she thinks you should do?
Be careful - be cautious - that's the grown-up thing, in my opinion anyway.
Thank you so much for your comments.
ReplyDeleteI actually kept a copy of the last letter I sent so my family know he made up a load of lies, but I'm not sure he realises.
I've been see-sawing between writing another letter but concentrating on explaining how I see love and families and highlighting how his behaviour doesn't match up, and just leaving it. I haven't had a proper chat with my family yet but my Mum seems to think she can handle it. I just feel so guilty because I don't think all this would have happened if I hadn't cut the contact. But at the same time, I know I had no option.
I'm such a rational person and I just don't understand people who aren't. To me, if you don't get on with someone, don't be around them. It doesn't matter that you share some genes or that you grew up in the same house. You should surround yourself with people who love you and who make you happy. I can't comprehend why somebody who clearly dislikes me wants to be around me. But then I've never been the kind of person who enjoys having power over others and I guess that's what it's all about.
Lisa- I think you may be right about me not really being ready to face him. The last contact I had was over the phone and that sent shivers down my spine. It's weird how memories that haven't bothered you for years can come back as if they are happening all over again with one sentence. I like to think that I'm a lot stronger now, but in reality, I freaked out when a school bully came into my work, so how the hell will I cope with the person who almost ruined my life?
I'm going to have a good think before doing anything and find time to really discuss it with my family. My over-riding feeling though is that if I do nothing, it won't ever end. I keep hearing that bit in Doctor Who when he said, "Leaving is good, not coming back is better" or something along those lines. :-)
Thank you again everybody. I really do appreciate some extra minds on this one.
xxx